REDUCTRESS

*pieces by Editor include Bahler's original headline but the editor's writing of the body

Aww! This Dog Learned to Communicate With Buttons and Asked to Die

How to Exude Confidence Even Though All You Say Is ‘What?’

I LIVED IT: My Watch Asked If I Was Working Out But I Was Just Wiping

Aw! This Woman Would Rather Ruin Eight Pairs Of Underwear Than Wear One Fucking Panty Liner

QUIZ: Will This Iced Coffee Give You Anxiety, Diarrhea, or a Will to Live?

4 Clogs That’ll Have Everyone Thinking, ‘Here Comes a Little Horse’

How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket By Explaining You Were Listening to ‘The Winner Takes It All’

Girlboss! This Woman Decided Her Period Was Over Even Though It’s Definitely Not

Sad! Woman Was Starting to Like This App Until It Asked

I Might Be Perfect on the Outside, But on the Inside My Socks Are Sliding Down

Dog Sighing as if He Pays Rent

How I Broke the Glass Ceiling by Riding the Willy Wonka Elevator Through It

QUIZ: Are They Actually Toxic Or Do They Just Casually Use the Cry-Laughing Emoji?

Radical! This Woman Doesn’t Help YouTube Advertisers by Answering a Few Questions

Hot! This Woman Kept Her Bra on During Sex to Make It Seem Like a Movie

Benjamin Button? This Carrot is Now a Baby

Woman Deep in Thought Just Singing the Chicken Wing Song

Self-Care Queen! This Woman Sometimes Changes Her Bong Water

3 Pairs of Dishwashing Gloves That Say, ‘Those Chickens Are Up to Something’  

How to Actively Listen and Not Just Think About GoDaddy Being Named GoDaddy

Annoying White American Thinking About Becoming Annoying White Canadian

How to Manifest a Dump-Truck Ass

I LIVED IT: I Invited Three Strangers to My Wedding and One of Them Might be My Dad

Luddite? This Woman Doesn’t Kiss Thru the Phone

Can You Guess How Many Tampons Are Inside This Woman?

Why I Don’t Go to Therapy and Just Watch Frasier Re-Runs Instead

Why I’m Staying at Home Unless You Have a Boat

Classy! This Woman Shits With Her Legs Crossed

Wow! Every Alcohol Affects This Woman Differently, But All Of Them Make Her Cry

Person You Don’t Know Has Their Instagram On Private???

Keurig Peeing!

I’m Not Like Other Girls, I’m Immunocompromised

The Only Ass This Woman is Eating is Pirate’s Booty

Well, Ruby Tuesday Really Hit The Spot For Dad

4 Adult Card Games That Are Fun But Not As Fun As If You All Just Fucked

How to Not Do a British Accent Whenever You Meet a British Person

Bralette Just a Fancy Training Bra???

Mom and Dad Met in a Kind of Creepy Way???

How To Save Money At The Farmer's Market By Just Walking Around Aimlessly With Your Tote Bag

Yikes! Boyfriend Identifying As ‘Gamer’ Now  

Mom Just Checking In To Make Sure You’re Not Vaping

I LIVED IT: I Thought I Could Pull Off Saying ‘Cheers!’

Boyfriend Squeezing Your Boobs To Try To Make You Feel Better

Girl Boss! This Woman Checks Her Gmail At The Club

QUIZ: How Old Is Your Niece Again?

6 Actors With Incredible—Oh, Crap, They’re Scientologists

OMG: These Taylor Swift Lyrics Might Have Just Revealed She Has Hemorrhoids

Boyfriend’s Little Sister Wants to Show You Just One Thing on Her iPad

Boyfriend’s Ugly Shoes Taking Toll on Relationship

Woman Running with Hair Down???

Dad Just Wants To Know If You Had To Pay For The Holes In Your Jeans

Wow! This Man Is Faceblind, Except for When It Comes to Hot People

How to Stay Humble Even Though People Are Looking At Your LinkedIn Profile

How to Establish Yourself As the Mom of the Friend Group by Breastfeeding the Whole Gang

You Can Own Meghan Markle’s Wardrobe! But Prince Harry Will Never Go Down on You

How to Be Taken Seriously When You Ate Soap and Now Bubbles Come Out Every Time You Talk

QUIZ: Should You Go To Bed or Start a Fight With Your Republican Aunt on Facebook?

Today’s Horoscope is Perfect for Justifying Your Bad Decisions

I’m Not Saying I Ate a Lush Bath Bomb, I’m Just Saying This One Really Looked Like Chocolate

How to Tell If You’re Gay by Kissing Me, OK? I Found a Quiet Spot Over Here

I Don’t Care If People Don’t Like Me, I Just Need a List of Who and Why Not